ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
