Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
