Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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