so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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