haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
