You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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