I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
