Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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