I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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