Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
