I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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