Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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