So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
