i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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