I can text with my tongue
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
