i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
