dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
