I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
