We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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