I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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