Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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