Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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