Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
