yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
