I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
