I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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