So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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