i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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