just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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