bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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