i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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