Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
