i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
