I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
