Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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