Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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