You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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