She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
