So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
