I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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