Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
