She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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