Just cropdusted the office
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
