My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
