I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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