they need to just BURY HIM!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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