So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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