Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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