if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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