My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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