The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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