I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
