So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.