You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
