I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
