plz talk dirty to me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
